Rediscovered Cribsheet - age 1.5
So he is using more words, naming things we didn't think he knew. Suddenly those aren't just birdies, they're Geese. Or Geef, anyway. This makes any cursing in front of him less and less OK. The other day I yelled at a bad driver: "Cheese and crackers, you Jackalope!"
He is very taken with bugs at the moment. He saw an ant on the kitchen floor and after his usual "Dat?" he laughed and crawled around after it saying "bug, bug!".
I think he was surprised they are so small, in kids picture books horses and beetles may stand side by side like guys in a police lineup with no indication that one towers over you while you tower over the other. I told him it was an ant and a couple of days later M spotted another one on the living room floor...
WE NOW STOP FOR A BRIEF CLARIFICATION: M'S HOUSE IS NOT FULL OF ANTS - REPEAT, M'S HOUSE IS NOT FULL OF ANTS. THAT IS ALL.
....and he told her "Ant!" I found an ant puppet at my house, (what's the matter, don't you guys have ant puppets?) it has this big soft black ant body and a tight black glove underneath and when you put on the glove it looks disturbingly like a giant ant is walking around. I tickle him with it and he laughs and laughs. I also have a grasshopper puppet (Yes, that's it for insect puppets - hey, my Mom sent these to me from the Salvador Dali museum years ago) again, Grasshopper body with green glove underneath. For some people, deeply disturbing; for Isaac, love object. Waking fitfully from a nap several times today he would call out "Bug? Bug?" and cuddle close to it.
He made out very well at Christmas, very likely the last one of so little expectation. Utter innocence about presents. Great stuff to play with just kept appearing: Legos and puzzles and trucks and tractors. "Cool, you guys seem to be getting your act together as parents! I just want you to know this has been a very nice morning".
Really the tree was a lot more startling. He got up from a nap and uttered his first complete sentence. "Why is there a tree in the house?" OK, I'm lying. But that was the unmistakable look on his face. Then we started to cover it with shiny objects and toys and repeatedly shoo him away from getting too close. Crazy, crazy mean people.
The "Understanding your Kids" type books say this is a time of great negativity and we sort of see it but it really hasn't been bad. He likes to say "No" and occasionally just sort of sings it out in relation to nothing in particular. And he will say it intensely about things like teeth brushing. ("No, No, No!") He teases a bit which seems like it's about both testing limits and sense of humor. Sometimes he will do something that we have established is not OK with the parents and as I stop him this little sly smile appears on his lips like "Gotcha!".
Well I just went pick him up at day care when M got buried under a pile of paperwork. He didn’t want to leave and wriggled and and fought getting dressed for the road, even yelling out “No Way, No way!” (I guess our day care lady, Maureen says that to him when he goes over the line.)
Overall what is extraordinary is how sweet he is. He pretty well turns both of us inside out and upside down with love - two people who may have lived good lives but may not have been really open to love in all it's terrifying vulnerability - suddenly tiny pink hands the size of half dollars rip away all our defenses and the flood pours in. In my last note I talked about missing my Mom and how it's sort of like this endless ringing telephone that can never pick up. Well I’ve had kind of a nice experience on that issue. When she died I realized no one would ever love me that much again, I think that is sad but reasonable. It makes sense that no adult can love you like your Mom or Dad loves you. We all probably spend a lot more time on this issue than we ought to, comparing our deals and compromises to the transcendent connection of birth. The child thought is that no one can love me that much again and the adult thought is that I might get to love somebody that much.
I know how much my Mom loved me as I get to know Isaac – it feels like seeing something familiar from a new angle – like I’m just passing on what I got to the next guy in line. I can feel my Mom’s love in the exchange of this love.
The happier I am the less likely I am to be aware of “My Needs”. In my deepest sadness I am almost nothing but “My Needs”. When I am blissed out I hardly even seem to exist! When I am a selfish jackalope I feel as real and as unyielding as a brick wall. It’s amazing and ironic that we wish joy for ourselves but actual joy takes us OUT of ourselves.
Happy New Year!
Be well – more soon.
Hugh
